Monday's Motivational makeover featuring Tess

Dwell in possibility.

Whatever you want, wants you!

Enjoy this moment…this moment is your life.

What’s in your life is what you choose, choose powerfully!

Just writing these things lifts my heart. There is energy and influence in positive thought.

So…why don’t we fill our days and lives with positive thoughts, intentions and words?

We get caught up in the pressures and demands of the everyday and start to measure ourselves against other’s yardsticks. I remember standing in the doorframe at Lloyd’s house when I was a little girl and he would mark the frame molding with my latest growth spurt. It was exciting because I was usually taller than most of the kids and it was important to grow the most and be the tallest.

There’s a contest in everything if we allow it. There is pressure in the simple things if we compare and contrast. There is fear if we are attached to the outcome and lack enough self esteem to know for certain that we’ll be “okay” no matter what happens. Just like going to the dentist every six months, or working out 3 times a week, or eating more salad than chocolate (I hear some people do that)…..we can speak into possibility and focus on the what’s right instead of the what’s wrong.

Why don’t we do that more??

Thoughts influence brain chemistry. We could feed our brains and our spirits the food they need to function optimally. If we know it is so…why don’t we do it more often?

Rule: Thoughts change brain chemistry.

That sounds so simple but that’s the way it is, with our thoughts changing neurotransmitters on a daily basis. If a man walks into a room with a gun, we think “threat”, and the brain releases norepinephrine. We become tense, alert, develop sweaty palms, and our heart beats faster. If he then bites the barrel of the gun, telling us the gun is actually chocolate, the brain rapids changes its’ opinion and we relax and laugh – the jokes on us.

We feel what we think! Positive thinking works. As the above example suggests, what we think about a situation actually creates our mood. Passed over for a promotion, we can either think we’ll never get ahead in this job (lowering serotonin and making us depressed) or assume that we are being held back for another promotion or job transfer (makes a better mood). David J. Abbott M.D.

Healthy Ways to Affect Your Brain Chemistry

Here are a few simple and healthy steps that you can take to improve your brain chemistry. By making lifestyle choices that benefit your brain's chemical balance, you can embrace a healthier, happier life.

• Nutrition
  There's something to the old adage, “You are what you eat.” In fact, your diet can make a difference in your brain's chemical levels, and proper nutritional inputs are necessary for the brain to operate at optimum speed and function. Certain foods and nutrients can even affect mood, helping to create and maintain calm and contentedness after recovery. Vitamin B12 plays a role in preventing depression, and other B vitamins increase natural serotonin levels in the brain. Additionally, Omega-3 fatty acids help stave off and even help treat anxiety disorders and depression.

• Exercise
  Exercising provides happiness by stimulating the body's production of endorphins natural pain killers that also produce mood-enhancing effects. Additionally, exercise reduces stress and releases adrenaline, giving your body an extra boost of natural energy.

• Pleasure
  Any enjoyment in life triggers the release of dopamine and serotonin, from love and sex to relaxation and creative expression. These, in turn, reinforce pleasurable behaviors and lift our mood and outlook as neurotransmitters are released.
• Sleep
  Our bodies replenish neurotransmitter levels as we rest, making sleep one of the most important ways you can help maintain a healthy brain chemistry.
• Therapy
  Emotional and psychological well-being can help promote healthy brain chemistry. The practice of positive thinking makes future positive thoughts (and their accompanying dopamine and serotonin release) come more naturally. Additionally, therapy can help resolve any existing emotional traumas that take a toll on our brain chemistry through nightmares, memories and flashbacks that retraumatize us, releasing needless adrenaline. Therapy can also help heal negative self-beliefs that adversely affect our brain's chemical levels.

• Detoxification
  Alcohol and drug intake can have a drastic effect on neurotransmitter levels within the brain, causing chemical imbalances to occur. By achieving recovery, you can allow your body to detoxify in the short and long-term. After the withdrawal period has ended, your brain will move towards healthy, natural neurotransmitter levels once again. From Pacific Hills Treatment Center

Having a juicy life is within reach if we choose our thoughts carefully, manage boundaries, monitor our reactions, take care of ourselves, indulge our senses, acknowledge the angels among us, push through the discomfort, reduce the drag coefficient and communicate with honest compassion.

Notice where you’re giving up your power in your choices and make requests to get life back on track. Start over anytime…just hit the reset button and pull out a clean canvas.

I used to say I wanted my life to be a technicolor romantic musical comedy….then some people laughed at me and said I was weird. Ya know what? I don’t care if I’m weird…I want my life to be a Technicolor Romantic Musical Comedy dang it! And for the most part, I’m on my way. Trusting positive intentions to steer for awhile sure couldn’t hurt.

Wanna play along with me?

What’s in your life is what you choose. Choose consciously and powerfully!

Tessgreen3@gmail.com, www.tessgreen.com

Monday's Motivational Makeover featuring Tess

Blind Spots~

I got broadsided in my blind spot last night.

I wasn’t in the car.

It was one of those blind spots that exist and we don’t realize how vulnerable we are..….that’s why they’re called blind spots. There’s the “I know what I know”, there’s the “I know what I don’t know”….and then there’s the “I don’t know what I don’t know” stuff….Blind spots are the nefarious little gremlins that jump up and bite you when you least expect it out of the “I don’t know what I don’t know bag of treats”.

When you get hit in a blind spot you don’t know how to handle it. Everything that you know about yourself goes out the window because you are sideswiped and confused. This is unsettling to me since I’ve spent so much time in the introspection and self awareness aisle at the bookstore….if you know what I mean. Really, I’m not a stranger to looking into the proverbial mirror.

I was at a restaurant having a glass of wine and listening to music with ‘the man’ and we were waiting for another couple. They were an hour late and within the first 10 seconds of them approaching the table, something happened and I just lost my ……my……let’s say…the gray matter just melted and drained out of my left ear and down my shoulder and ended up in a pool on the floor next to my chair. So to speak.

My reaction to the event was so completely out of left field. Suddenly I felt this alien invasion at the control panel of my brain and then it was completely out of my hands. Words came out of my mouth with a sharp edge, a feeling occupied my body that was rigid and agitated, and intensity pervaded my being for about 30 minutes or so. I was triggered. No doubt about it.

I had to talk through it and process what had happened. I needed to understand and get a handle on it because it was abundantly clear to everyone involved that it was very charged for me. I didn’t know if my emotions were anger, surprise, confusion, or humor. I was laughing one minute and then once I got in the car and starting talking about it, the emotion turned to tears and then back to anger. I was ashamed with my behavior.

Once we arrived at our other destination and met up with the couple again, I immediately joked about my reaction and rolled myself under the bus. I apologized to them and was a grown up so that we could have a nice time. Not to mention, it was one person’s birthday.

Now mind you….I HAD a reason for reacting. I’m not going into it because I’m protecting the innocent here…but I had just cause for a reaction.

No matter what the trigger, I am ultimately responsible for my reaction. It is reasonable to point to the culprit and assign blame and that would feel really good for a little while and then I have to look at myself and own all the silly little gremlins that are jumping around in me screeching. I’m still pretty embarrassed about the whole thing.

The projection party is never pretty, but essential to understanding my behavior is the need to venture into that emotional bio hazardous material and figure out why I plugged into the situation the way I did. This will take some time to sort through but I know there is value in it.

The good news is:

I caught myself.

I apologized

I’m looking at why my reaction was so severe

Maybe I’ll heal something in the process……..

Did you have reactions to getting hit in your blind spots this week??

Did you assign blame or did you look at your roll in the drama?

What’s in your life is what you choose. Choose consciously and powerfully!

Monday's Motivational Makeover featuring Tess

Love~

The conversation around love seems to keep popping into my conscious surroundings and interactions lately. A few of us…in my world….seem to be in an inquiry around love and what it actually is.

A work associate asked the question the other day, “How do you know if you’ve met the right one?”

The New International Webster’s defines love:

1. A strong tender affection; deep devotion, as to one’s child, parent, etc. 2. The affection felt by two persons who are sexually attracted to one another. 3. A person who is the object of another’s affection. 4. A very great interest or fondness: love of leaning.

John Gray of Mars and Venus fame has a terrific book called Mars and Venus On a Date and he outlines quadrants that formulate the ingredients of a “soul mate” in his opinion. I happen to subscribe to this view. He maintains that having spiritual, emotional, physical and intellectual compatibility are essential to laying the foundation of a soul mate connection. He also feels that there are evolutionary stages to building and fortifying relationship potential and they are attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy and engagement. In his educated outlook, these stages should be followed carefully and in sequence as to allow the greatest possibility of solid relationship incubation.

Harville Hendrix, Ph. D. is a Clinical Pastoral Counselor who is known internationally for his work with couples. He and his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. co created Imago Relationship Therapy and developed the concept of “conscious partnership.” Their partnership and collaboration has resulted in nine books on intimate relationships and parenting.

Imago Therapy is effective as a way to create stronger relationships. It offers insights into the unconscious agenda we bring to our relationships. I’ve read his first two books and have participated in his seminars and therapy and the basic premise of his work is that we are subconsciously attracted to partners who remind us of our parents. Both positive and negative characteristics surface and then we are forced to heal emotional wounds that we share. The confusion for many couples arises when one partner wants to project their emotional dysfunction onto the other because it is too painful for them to see in themselves. Then, they tend to move on to the next relationship with the same wounding and blame patterns unless they are really motivated somehow to “fix” it once and for all. Hendrix offers healthy communication steps to begin to understand each other and grow in love and awareness.

Of all the exercises in Imago Relationship Therapy, we now regard Imago Dialogue as being the most effective tool for satisfying our innate yearning for wholeness and connection. Developed with my wife Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., Dialogue is the language of love in all relationships. Ultimately, the three steps of Dialogue are - mirroring, validating, and empathizing –

Other philosophies are based on the principle of putting the needs and comfort of your partner first. Not in a codependent or unhealthy way, but rather as a mature “contribution to the corporation” (as my grandpa calls his marriage…the corporation). Being proactive and nurturing and letting reciprocity take its course.

In Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch, Ph.D. outlines some of the wrong reasons why people get together…..not love……

Low self –esteem

Loneliness

Neediness

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.
- Captain Corelli's Mandolin6. "Love is the beauty of the soul."
--St. Augustine

In a perfect world we would be healthy and whole and ready for relationship. Yet reality is that there are many broken families and mistreatment that leaves deep emotional scars and eventually, one will be forced to heal this inside if one is to be successful in relationship.

Have you done your work? Are you still blaming others for your emotional wounding?

What is your definition of love?

Sharing common experiences, having a biological / chemical attraction, sharing common values and desires, respecting each other’s differences, aligning in spirit/emotion/intellect/sexuality, knowing how to disagree/argue with compassion, doing your work outside of the partnership, feeling ‘safe’ and passionate with your partner, honoring your word and commitments, finding someone with lots of money (just kidding….seeing if you’re awake), wanting to stay in it during the times you contribute more to the corporation than your lover, and then the good old bonding that comes from our brain/body chemical plant…the psychopharmacology that mother nature threw into the punchbowl to make things tingly and cohesive… …the pheromone party.

What’s your recipe for Love?

What’s in your life is what you choose. Choose consciously and powerfully!

Monday's Motivational Makeover featuring Tess

Limiting Beliefs~

Are you where you want to be? Do you have what you desire in your life?

Do you believe that you deserve happiness, health, abundance and true love?

If so…..I acknowledge you for having a belief system that allows the space for this.

If not….I invite you to consider that your beliefs aren’t serving you in having a big life.

The foundation is laid for belief systems very early on and we build upon them, brick by brick, day by day, year after year.

What is your foundation made of?

I watched Miss America, Gilligan’s Island, Hart to Hart and Marcus Welby. Snow White and Cinderella were staples. I read Seventeen Magazine and Glamour. We sat down and ate dinner as a family almost every night. Grampa Darrell and I never missed an Elvis concert on t.v. (btw, we had one of those brand new Zenith remote control gadgets for our t.v.) Grama Grace put our hair in pin curls and then drug us to the Lutheran Church whenever she could. Small town Iowa was insulated and uninteresting compared to the year spent in the California commune, but served to heal the age inappropriate exposure, and all contributed to my belief system evolution.

My belief system was that you had to be pretty and have a musical/dance……or dramatic reading talent…to win. You could be Ginger or Mary Ann, but regardless, you had to be pretty…even shipwrecked on an island. Scouring the pages of magazines imprinted also. You had to dress well and wear your hair and make up in the latest greatest style. Being thin was the only option. Snow White and Cinderella taught me that if you were pretty enough (recurring theme), you would be rescued and live the good life. No more cleaning and hanging out with only dwarfs.

Raquel Welch was the gold standard for beauty and when I would spend the night with my girlfriend Shelly, her dad would leave his Playboy magazines out and she and I would hide in the attic giggling over the glossy images. Once again, imprinting on my belief foundation was that men only wanted to look at beautiful and sexy women.

So there is a theme here…..

At least for me, a large part of my belief system foundation has been based on physical attributes. Thank goodness I got a healthy dose of good values, work ethic and strong character from my most incredible grandparents whom raised me. It is easier to take the things that work out well, for granted. It is the beliefs that keep us stuck……small…..limited…..that eventually get the magnifying glass because nobody likes the mark the brick wall leaves on the forehead after prolonged ignorant repetition.

I took the fairy tales at face value and I knew they were stories, but when you tell yourself the same stories over and over, you begin to BELIEVE them as examples and they run you at a certain level. I am now faced with owning and embracing the rest of myself…my intellect, my soul, my altruism, my ability, my talent, my core, my power.

Change is gradual and so I will make every attempt to notice where I’m playing small inside of limiting beliefs and bring the rest of me out of the shadows.

I want more for me.

I want more for you.

What’s in your life is what you choose. Choose consciously and powerfully!

Monday's Motivational Makeover featuring Tess

Sensuality~

Indulge yourself. You deserve it.

You are running through life, taking care of others, working late hours, juggling more details every day, chasing your tail, burning the candle at both ends, cleaning up messes, fixing the car, scheduling, preparing, mothering, daughtering, planning for the future…thinking, thinking, thinking …living in your head.

Just for today…indulge yourself.

See, hear, feel, taste, touch, smell.

Here is a practice guide to be used as a template. By all means, customize it to suit your personal preferences.

What if you could enjoy an entire day just for you? What would it take?

Do it.

Don’t even think about why you can’t, just do it. Loan the kids out to grandma or a friend, take a personal business day at work, cross everything off the list and just get back into your own skin. Again….get back into your own skin.

Breathe

Breathe again

Breathe deeply this time. Close your eyes and actually feel that breath going into you body. Your cells will start to tingle a little bit. Your body is an amazing machine and it asks so little of you usually. It gets up everyday and goes with so little attention. We somehow think that caring for ourselves is selfish instead of necessary….vital.

Feed it today. Feel it today. Indulge it today. Mind, body and spirit.

Light your favorite candles…the ones you’ve been saving because they are special. You’re special, so you can light them today.

Make a cup of your favorite coffee or tea. You have time to sip today.

Put on some easy music.

Draw yourself a bubble bath and marinate in the bubbly until your fingertips are wrinkly like when you were a kid.

Drench your body in coconut oil or your favorite lotion. Notice all of your beautiful curves and angles. Appreciate this amazing body.

Walk around naked…for that matter, dance around naked.

Put on something velvet or silk and feel it against your soft fresh skin. Really, feel it.

Take yourself to lunch and order something decadent. Order a little drinkypoo. It’s your day. Languish and enjoy the attention and the service. Take your time.

Breathe.

Get a massage.

Buy yourself flowers. Splurge on the peonies or the orchids. Smell as many gorgeous little buds as you can while there.

Don’t forget to keep breathing…..deeply.

Say nice things to yourself (especially when you’re getting out of the bathtub and you catch a glimpse of that ….that…..that….hail damage). “Love what is” …just for today.

Notice life going on around you.

Dangle your feet in a puddle, pond or pool.

Buy your favorite dessert and let it melt on your tongue bite by bite.

Be present.

Breathe.

Paint your toenails..or have a pedicure…or just get those little gems massaged. They argue little and we torture them so.

Those of you whom are laughing at the notion of taking a sensuality day…….are the ones who need it the most! Stop resisting.

Laugh.

Go to your favorite market and select a delicious and healthy dinner for later.

Take a nap on fresh sheets.

Breathe.

Take some quality time with your lover.

Kiss.

Make love.

Add other ingredients to taste.

What’s in your life is what you choose, choose consciously and powerfully!

Monday's Motivational Makeover featuring Tess

Drag coefficient.

(yes, I’m following up a blog entry on discomfort with one on drag coefficient. Thank you for noticing).

This term kept coming to mind all week long.

The technical definition of drag coefficient is a dimensionless quantity that is used to quantify the drag or resistance of an object in a fluid environment.

Regardless of what it technically means, it was my metaphor for the week.

How much drag coefficient have I either created or allowed into my life? If it is true that we have a set amount of energy and we spend it like we spend our money, when it is gone, it is gone.

I haven’t spent enough time taking care of my wellbeing lately. My work hasn’t been enjoyable, I’m not getting enough quality sleep, I’m drinking too much wine, I’m worrying about some things, I’m trying to see too many people and squeezing in too many networking meetings, I’ve added a couple little projects to my list, I’ve added a couple larger projects to my list, I’ve taken on clients that don’t have a set routine, I’m not exercising, the toilet broke, the a/c was dead for 3 and ½ days last week …I may have been retaining water so my clothes were uncomfortable…need I continue…

Bite by bite, I have added so many things to my life that it isn’t fun at this pace. Normally I recognize this before I hit a wall, have a meltdown, or get too much of my agitation all over everyone else in my world. This time it took a little longer to tap me on the shoulder….maybe I just didn’t notice the tap…..so it took an elbow to the side of the head to get it (literally, I took an elbow to the head last week when I was out country dancing at the Broken Spoke. It left me seeing stars for a minute). Ok! Got my attention.

Being an advocate for quality of life and balance, I fully expect myself to notice when the walls start closing in and I can’t breathe. Not this time. I got to experience all of the frustration, upset and ensuing embarrassment that comes along with being in my own little free fall party for an entire week or two….even when I mentioned to those close to me that I was feeling stressed and anxious some time back.

Well, time to clean this up. Going to take an inventory today and see where I can clean house and organize my thoughts. See where I’m hemorrhaging energy and install some energy efficient measures.

How much drag coefficient are you operating with in your life? Has it been there for so long that you don’t even recognize the toll it is taking? What it the cost of continuing to live this way? Peace? Laughter? Health? Quality of life? Happy relationships?

Next week ….a sexy topic, I promise!

What’s in your life is what you choose, choose consciously and powerfully!

Monday's Motivational Makeover featuring Tess

Discomfort~

I’m sitting in my condo and it is 84 degrees in here.

On top of some challenges this week, I walked into my home yesterday and was welcomed by a wall of warmth and humidity. As I disarmed the alarm system I glanced up at the thermostat and it greeted me with a surprising 84 degree marquis. It hit 100 yesterday outside.

My immediate response was frustration. I was confronted.

The always present debate team in my head began volleying the problem against the data I had collected on my a/c unit in the last year. The system ran and cooled sufficiently however, I was informed at the last maintenance check that I may need to undergo open heart surgery and fork out thousands for a system overhaul. Dropping articles of clothing one by one onto the floor and acknowledging perspiration droplets populating my upper lip, I danced with denial a bit longer….and then…..I acquiesced to the debate committee.

It is what it is. Now I have to deal with it. There was freedom in the acknowledgment.

Resisting the facts was not going to get me to a solution.

Sitting with discomfort is not easy for me. There is the physical discomfort of the heat and the inconvenience it causes to my life. And then there is the financial discomfort of parting with the money. 24 hours later, I have had time to think about discomfort and how I operate inside of it. Maybe it is part of the human condition…pleasure seeking, pain avoidance.

I’ve been in an inquiry about how often I get to the brink of discomfort and resist it or pop out of it. I take a less challenging direction so I can avoid being uncomfortable. How often do I act in this way and what is the cost of this behavior? What would it look like if I pushed through the discomfort and stretched myself? Who would I become? What could I achieve? What might I learn? How might I grow?

So far there is no profound catharsis other than the noticing… and a willingness to lean into my discomfort and not be so quick to avoid it.

I’m on my way to a cool hotel room now……..(let’s not go crazy here).

What’s in your life is what you choose. Choose consciously and powerfully.

Sanctuary Sunday

I find that taking a day to meditate on what has transpired during the last week and contemplate what will be my course for the next, is essential if balance is to be restored in mind, body, and soul.

Sometimes my moral compass becomes deflected by stray energy that takes me in a direction that is not "the high ground". This usually leads to regret, and yes, sadness which is never a good thing. As Tess has taught us "What’s in your life is what you choose, choose consciously and powerfully!"

So to stay on course, I have removed the "rear-view mirrors" from my life, and have chosen instead to focus on the "road ahead", regardless of where it may lead. May the following inspire you to do the same.

Angel of Roses
by Marie Wadsworth

All the tears
The people of Earth
Had cried
Lie flooding the base of
The stairway to heaven that
The angel climbed down.
She scattered rose petals
In the pools
Of anguish, fear and joy
For she was
The Angel of Roses,
A messenger of
God's constant love,
Light and gifts
He has for
All He has made.

SDG, JBHIV

Tuesday's Treasure - Red Roses

You may notice a change in the look of the WWRG blogsite today. I have added a background featuring a bevy of red roses!

Few flowers are more recognizable and universally loved. The Catholic Rosary allegedly derives its name from the Latin term for rose garden, "Rosarium" and later, "garland of roses". Christian legend tells of a monk who made a garland of 150 roses each day as an offering to the Virgin Mary. Later, the monk substituted 150 prayers for the flowers. For his piety, he was presented with a rosary of 150 beads by a “beautiful glowing woman.”

What would be nicer than to have Red Roses delivered every day? A box of chocolates, perhaps.

I wish I had the ability to give all of you, my faithful viewers, a real box of chocolates and a dozen roses. After all, there is so much to treasure in a relationship, whether intimate or distant. I truly appreciate each and everyone that I know and look forward to meeting those who are " friends I know but have never met". Tess touched upon our need to act "civilized" toward each other in her blog yesterday. Slow down your pace and greet another with a genuine desire to understand them, not just with a glancing blow or a hollow "hello".

Take time today to smell my "virtual roses". Cherish the ones you love and do something special for them. Treasure the moments you spend with them.

Be respectful, be nice, be there for them in their hour of need.

But most of all, be true to thyself. Remember that to the world, you may be one person. but to one person, you may be the world.

Monday's Motivational Makeover featuring Tess

My friend has this saying…..’Just be nice’……

He says that we all have our good days and our bad days.

No matter what is going on he maintains that we can all……’Just be nice’…..

Everyone has problems, aches and pains, joy and upset, concerns and fear. Some things can be helped and some things can’t, but the one thing within our control is our reaction to circumstances. We are civilized creatures after all.

Upon reviewing the topography of my week I was reassured that the ‘just be nice’ creed was supported overwhelmingly by clear evidence. Specific measurable results if you will.

My first unofficial lab results came when I was asked to buffer a negotiation between a condo owner and a tenant. They were at the end of their tolerance units with one another and hesitantly asked me if I would have any interest in stepping in to find a solution to the impasse that had resulted. I wasn’t certain that I wanted a challenge of this nature so I met each of them separately and assessed the individual perspectives.

They both were mature, humane, professional people that had felt disrespected along the way and had come out with defenses raised. Since they could no longer work together, I asked them if they would be willing to ‘just be nice’ and work with me. Since I mentioned to both that I have taken enough of what I call kicks to the head in my life and that I am selective about clients with whom I choose to work, I requested that we all recalibrate and find a way. If they didn’t want to ‘just be nice’ I said I didn’t care, but I wouldn’t interject myself into the experiment. Some people want to fight. They have a struggle within themselves and they are looking for a fight. I needed to make sure that they were not in this category. They both agreed and we proceeded. It has been a successful week of kindness, tolerance and civility. Much progress has been made.

Secondly, gentleman friend and I went to Houston where he was performing with his band on Saturday night. Instead of waiting for the band to leave after 1 or 2 a.m. before we got to take residence in the room that is reserved for them during performance nights, we decided to just get a room where we could relax after dinner and keep our things and then retire after the show. We walked up to the manager and Frank asked in the most thoughtful and kind way if we could possibly get a special rate since he was with the band performing in his restaurant. The way Frank approached him was so soft and diplomatic that the manager just turned to his front desk attendant and said to comp the room. ‘Just be nice’ saved us $200.00 on a room.

Grama Millie used to say, “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.”….but then she also used to say, “Tesser, if you don’t get in this house right now and take a bath, I’m gonna get a switch and beat you black and blue with it”…………she used a good deal of profanity also. But Millie was one of the nicest people I will ever know. She knew the secret of ‘just be nice’. It was a small town and a slower time then.

I’ve noticed what happens when I take the time to look into another person’s eyes and acknowledge them and greet their humanity before rushing back into the hurried pace that is my daily movie.

There is a calm pride I feel when I can turn a misunderstanding around or tell on myself when I’m out of line. The human condition wants so much to look good and be right that at times there doesn’t seem to be room for ‘just be nice’ especially if our foolish pride is as stake or embarrassment is lurking around the corner. But, the rewards are undeniable if I take the time to ‘just be nice’.

What’s in your life is what you choose, choose consciously and powerfully!

Monday's Motivational Makeover featuring Tess

Angels Among Us

I had lunch with an angel the other day.

He looked like a normal being….skin, hair, arms…legs…..there was no white robe or halo…or gold dust shimmering about his shoulders.

But he was an angel.

I know this because when I left his company, I was vibrating at a frequency that is not of this world.. I was changed. His company left me in touch with the possibility of my unique contribution and specialness as well as an unprecedented responsibility to myself to cultivate it.

Sometimes you meet people that prove there is more depth to this existence than otherwise meets the eye. You never expect it or go looking for it and it just happens all of the sudden ….serendipity reveals itself. You may have only known them briefly yet there is a profound current of understanding that creates a synapse that cannot be discarded without deliberation.

Life can become routine and predictable. We salt and pepper it with drama and activities that enhance or complicate, but for the most part, life is regular. Occasionally, I’m present enough or aware enough to see the subtle nuance of evidence that there is more to this passage than we are taught to believe or conditioned to accept.

Although a rare occurrence, angels masquerading as people walk into our direct path and courageously guide us to the next level of consciousness. You may or may not want to take the direction suggested, but you know at a spirit level, it is time for you to grow and permission is granted to believe in the magic. Free will allows choice.

Just for today, suspend disbelief. Honor your gifts and your worth and trust that the world wants what is uniquely yours to offer. Be awake enough to identify the angels among us and surrender your doubt, if only for a moment, that there is a sentience both intellectual and emotional that receives serendipity and offers it to you as the pieces of your puzzle fall into place and create the life of your dreams.

What’s in your life is what you choose, choose consciously and powerfully.

Tess

Monday's Motivational Makeover Featuring Tess

Honest communication.

How honest is too honest?

Peeling the layers of the onion is my favorite pastime. A friend of mine says that I’m the “diagnostician of purpose and relevance”. It isn’t clear to me if he means that in a loving or a scrutinizing way but since we create most of our own meaning in our lives….I’ll take it in a loving way.

This week I’ve had a pinched nerve in my neck. Whenever there is a physical symptom I dig around in the emotional subterranean to see if there might be some other pinched nerve in my life where I’m not living authentically. After reviewing some of the domains of my life I came up with a couple of areas that may be suspect and in need of adjustment. Relationship is one such area.

Having made the decision to go “exclusive” in my romantic relationship recently, we are in the discovery phase of the mating dance where we get to define boundaries, communicate effectively and practice honesty (while still attempting to be attractive and desirable to each other). It has been years since I’ve shared this much time and conversation with an intimate other with the hopeful intention that it will evolve into a long term commitment.

Both communicators, we enjoy sharing thoughts through words, however, I’ve begun to notice that although a bonding experience, we have different modes of communicating. Additionally, when discussing needs and emotions, I find that I’m much more prone to directness and solving what I see as areas of frustration and inequity before they result in discontent.

My gentleman friend would rather let things go as he feels most things dissipate given time..

Since unresolved upset becomes toxic sludge in my school of thought, I would like to have a quick exchange where I put things on the table, shed some light, get a little validation or at least some air time….and then it doesn’t hold the “charge” energetically.

Once I do this, closeness is restored and I can get back to happy.

Gentleman friend is trying to adjust his rule book to these new requirements, but often I see a glassy eyed creature looking back at me and nodding slowly. My need for honesty doesn’t work the same for him…in fact it appears to get in the way of his “relatedness” with me. His level of honesty isn’t as rigorous as mine. Because of his importance to me, I’ve been able to adjust the frequency, my degree of intensity and my tone so that I can be heard. Thanking him for hearing me when we’re finished also seems to meet with his glassy eyed approval.

Honesty is high on my list of values. It is a good thing…and I don’t want to compromise….but…..

After force feeding honesty to my very patient friends and family… all of these years, after all of the classes and all of the books, and peeling the onion….i may have learned something invaluable.

Serving honesty up in a comforting and compassionate way is a very good thing.

Every relationship requires its own degree of honesty and being completely self expressed doesn’t serve the relationship unless the other person is equipped to receive the level of honesty with which you are communicating.

Since most of communication is non verbal here are a few ideas to consider:

Evaluating your nonverbal communication skills
Eye contact	Is this source of connection missing, too intense, or just right in yourself or in the person you are looking at?
Facial expression	What is your face showing? Is it masklike and unexpressive, or emotionally present and filled with interest? What do you see as you look into the faces of others?
Tone of voice	Does your voice project warmth, confidence, and delight, or is it strained and blocked? What do you hear as you listen to other people?
Posture and gesture	Does your body look still and immobile, or relaxed? Sensing the degree of tension in your shoulders and jaw answers this question. What do you observe about the degree of tension or relaxation in the body of the person you are speaking to?
Touch	Remember, what feels good is relative. How do you like to be touched? Who do you like to have touching you? Is the difference between what you like and what the other person likes obvious to you?
Intensity	Do you or the person you are communicating with seem flat, cool, and disinterested, or over-the-top and melodramatic? Again, this has as much to do with what feels good to the other person as it does with what you personally prefer.
Timing and pace	What happens when you or someone you care about makes an important statement? Does a response—not necessarily verbal—come too quickly or too slowly? Is there an easy flow of information back and forth?
Sounds	Do you use sounds to indicate that you are attending to the other person? Do you pick up on sounds from others that indicate their caring or concern for you?
Source: The Language of Emotional Intelligence, by Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.

What’s in your life is what you choose, choose consciously and powerfully!

Tess

Monday's Motivational Makeover Featuring Tess

JBHIV: Here is Tess' second installment in her series. In it she shares with us some tips on how to set healthy boundries:

Tess: As a professional in private service I know that keeping clean lines of communication and respect in the home are paramount yet difficult for many. Any long term relationship requires clean communication, interdependence, and self awareness. Structure provides parameters and direction for household employees and surprisingly, creates real freedom and quality of life for employers. Feel free to email tessgreen3@gmail.com if you would like assistance in customizing a service plan for your home.

Healthy Boundaries.

My first thought is that I am so aware of boundaries now because I’ve spent much of my life without them. Having lived in a commune in Bolinas California with my hippie mother, Ruth, and my sister, Jeri, in the late 60’s, I learned an existence of no boundaries. Sex, drugs, rock and roll and a lot of naked guitar players sitting around the living room singing Proud Mary was a Freudian field trip for a 5 year old Iowa girl. It imprinted on me at a cellular level.

I navigated through most of my life like an amoeba or the borders of a Rorschach test…no clear definition…just spilling onto everyone and absorbing everyone else.

Referring to this environment as porosity….I have come to appreciate my life long lesson on boundaries, because I can no longer operate in this confusion. Learning healthy boundaries and employing them has been the most refreshing, calming and self respecting step I could have ever taken. It keeps me clean and centered. Others can still trigger reaction from me, but I’m quick to recover.

Boundary devoid interaction confuses everyone involved, blurs emotions, causes upset, and fosters codependence. My sister and I refer to managing boundaries as “staying in your own skin”. Loved ones can get through the security gates easier than anyone because they know which buttons to push.

If you can afford the luxury of employing household staff such as a personal assistant, chef, nanny or housekeeper, you know that having someone in your inner sanctum, day in and day out, lends itself to eventual personal sharing and involvement. At a minimum, you become familiar or friendly. Be cautious of blurring the boundary between principal and employee too much because once you do it is difficult to recover. Disclosing too much of your life or your problems/needs will compromise your staff. One gentleman I worked for developed stage 4 lung cancer and “we” fought it for four years. He became dependent on me and our relationship became almost parent / child at times. This was a wealthy, powerful, brilliant and funny man who had an impenetrable outer crust in the beginning.

It happens slowly and under the radar. Be aware of this. Honor the integrity of your space and the well-being of your domestic staff by nurturing healthy boundaries.

· Provide an office or a workspace away from the central traffic of the home so that she/he has independence and a place to organize and revive. It is challenging to work in a home where you don’t have a workspace that is yours. It makes you feel invisible and almost unwanted as a service provider. Give them space away from the family to work at times. After all, they are in your private domain under your power and this can be very intimidating. The more confident and secure they feel, the better care they will take of you and your family.

· Make requests instead of demands. Demands rob people of their dignity.

· If you find it difficult to ask for what you need. Make a list of action items. Then the “action items” are neutral. I have one client who vascillates between being uncomfortable and timid about asking for my help and then goes to an extreme at times of entitlement and making demands.

· Set time aside once a week to have a review session. What is working, what needs attention, and clarify confusion.

· Identify service expectations. You will be surprised how much you expect your staff to be like you and read your mind and a job description will help you and your household staff to remember the job parameters.

When you have a conflict…and eventually you will...here are some:

Rules for Fair Confrontations

· Remember that sometimes you have to agree to disagree

· 31% of all conflicts are solvable and 69% are unsolvable problems (Gottman, 1999)

Rules for Fair Confrontations

· If possible, arrange to talk when you are feeling good about yourself

· Choose the right time and place

· Get away from the win/lose concept

· Be direct and specific

· Know what you are asking for and what results you desire

· Bring up only one item and stick to it

· Focus on the behavior, not the person

· Do not hit below the belt- don’t bring up topics about which the person is especially sensitive

· Don’t try to mind read. ASK.

· Do not generalize – “you always”, “ you never”.

· Emphasize the positive along with the negative.

What’s in your life is what you choose. Choose consciously and powerfully!

Monday's Motivational Makeover by Tess

JBHIV: Teresa (Tess) Green has been a personal manager/personal assistant to High Net Worth clients in Austin, Texas for over 15 years. In this role, she offers home management/organization/ concierge and personal assisting/life organizing services. Teresa is also the creator of Passionfruit tv, a pilot program for living and loving passionately. You may contact her at: Tessgreen3@gmail.com

This is the first in a series of her perspectives on how to live a life of fullness AND ease:

Claritee

Living a full life can sometimes begin to look more like complication, clutter and managing minutia.

This will eventually begin to rob us of balance and ease and slowly, subsequently, joy and freedom in our lives.

Working with people to distill chaos into practical thought and manageable action is my passion.

When you find that your days are filled with confusion and obligations instead of quality time and experiences it is necessary to take inventory of the various domains that exist around you.

By looking at areas that comprise your world you can distinguish where you are spending your precious energy and time. This will reveal where imbalances exist and allow you to make adjustments and place structures so that you can be conscious and accountable for what you are creating in your life. If you are in balance, energy is fluid and light however, if you are out of balance, it is time for an alignment.

Take stock of the departments of your life and under each domain create a work breakdown structure. Simply put, list the details of each area that comprise the committee in your head that never lets you rest…. your unrequited subconscious chatter….To do list.

· Home

· Career

· Family

· Friends

· Money

· Fitness

· Health and Vitality

· Creativity

· Romance

· Community and Charity

· Beauty and wellness

· Academic

· Etc.

For example:

Family…

o Take kids to camp

o Card to Aunt Ruth

o Father’s day gift to dad

o Visit Julie in rehab

Etc…

This seems simple, but if you don’t have a way to organize thoughts and plan your life, it will eventually take a toll on your well-being. Carry a pad in your car/purse, use a DayTimer or MS Outlook. Once a week sit down and take your inventory and plan the details out or just keep the exercise where you can glance at it from time to time.

Getting to ease and freedom in your thoughts and your life can take a little processing, however, getting the ”conversation” out of your head and onto paper can be a relief in and of itself. People often medicate discomfort in their spirit and lives through a variety of avenues but claritee is just an insight away if you are willing to look inside.

What’s in our lives is what we choose. Choose consciously and powerfully.

Next time ~ setting healthy boundaries!